Sunday, August 30, 2009

One More Day...

Yesterday was our first "full day" in the new house. I was hoping it would begin to feel like home with all our stuff in it, even packed in boxes. But, not really. It still feels like I am somehow just passing through, before having to go back to the old house. It's hard to describe the feeling in's somehow a mixture of sadness, trepidation and even a little lonliness. Almost like I'm homesick. Oh, don't get me wrong, there are also times when I am excited about getting to mold this house into what I want, and not what a landlord will let me do. But, the times I feel overwhelmed outnumber the excited ones by a large margin. I know that will begin to change at some point, I just hope it's soon!

The kittehs are adjusting to their new environment somewhat better than I am. Treelo let herself downstairs yesterday, a little ahead of schedule. She slipped past the gate as my Everlasting SoulMate was headed downstairs yesterday morning. Treelo seemed a bit overwhelmed as well by all the new space. She stayed very close to us, and was going back upstairs frequently to check that her stuff was still there. However, by evening, she was beginning to go off and explore on her own, and not cling to the area where my ESM and I were all the time. She really likes looking out the sliding glass door in the kitchen. It opens out onto a patio with a grape arbor over it, then out into the back yard. We had the door open yesterday, and just the screen closed, so she could sniff the air. She sat there for quite a while, watching the little white butterflies making their rounds amongst the flowers. It was fun to watch.

It does bring back memories of Ziggy though, for both of us. We have remarked to one another several times about something we've found in the new house that Ziggy would have liked. I think the space wouldn't feel quite so empty with him here. We both miss his calm and curious nature right now. I know it would help me ground my own displaced feelings a bit.

We are unpacking some more boxes this morning in anticipation of going to the old house, filling them up with the last stuff we left behind and getting out of the rental for good. I will be happy to finally be able to work here full-time, as it were, and be done with all the box-packing and car-loading. But, I know it will also be the last connection to the memories we made in that house. When we're done, all we'll have are those memories. And, unfortunately, the last few were not pleasant. I don't know how I will deal with those after the physical connection to the house is gone. No one does, I'm sure. But I know I will have to deal with them someday. I can safely say, with no reservation...I'm not looking forward to that day.

Wow...heavy. Didn't mean to bring the mood down, but my mood has been more down than up lately! I'll take some pictures today, and maybe I can get a few posted tonight of the kittehs amongst their new surroundings. That will cheer me up, and should bring some positive energy to my writing. Take care everyone.


  1. You should know by now that Treelo does things on her own terms and no one else's, brother mine. LOL

    And I'm not at all surprised at the displaced, unanchored feelings you're having. Moving will do that to you at any time--I felt the same way when we left the apartment in Lakewood. (I remember having urges, even as the movers were taking furniture and boxes out to the truck, to run after them and say, "No, wait, I've changed my mind! I can't deal with this, bring everything back in!" Thank heaven Peter didn't let me.)

    Anyway--in your case, with everything else that was happening at the same time, I'm sure the feeling is much, much worse. Grieving takes time, and you guys just really didn't have any; the packing and whatnot had to come first. So, for whatever it's worth, my advice would be to be compassionate with yourself, and try not to worry about what your mind thinks you should be feeling. One thing I've come to realize since figuring out about this whole High Sensitivity thing is that the heart really does operate by its own set of rules, and in the long run, you'll save yourself a lot of hassle if you just let it do whatever it needs to in its own time. (And hey, if the cats don't need that bottle of Rescue Remedy you bought, try using it on yourself! It really helps me when I'm feeling frazzled and overwhelmed.)

    Hugs to everybody, and I'll look forward to the kitty pics!

  2. I am impressed that Treelo went to explore so soon. When we moved into our new house a few years back our kitties stayed under the tiny table in the living room (at the time the only furnitre other than the bed upstairs and the TV) for at least 3 days before they would venture out - we had to bring their litterbox nearby and bring them their food and water too.

    It will take time to feel like you are at home - I still get feelings of "I want to go home" and we have lived in our house for 5 years (it doesn't really seem like 5), and honestly I even felt that way in the house I spend most of my life in because I wanted to go back to our house from when I was little. It wasn't often but you will get that feeling sometimes.

    Hopefully it won't be too hard to remember the good times in the rental after some time has passed - it will be hard for a while with the loss of Ziggy but it will get better eventually.


Hey, I tell you what is... is abuse, is bad language, is spam? Oy, is big shoes!